For the past few months I’ve been faffing over Game of Thrones. Yes, I finally got my shit together and started watching it and, as is the case with any good TV show, I couldn’t stop. And as any good GoT fan would tell you, Peter Dinklage is superb in it. So it was with this superb performance in mind, coupled with the fact that I’m a geek who spent a large part of her childhood pining for a Gameboy (never got one. Parents remain unforgiven), that I decided to give Pixels a chance.
Boy oh boy.
The story, in short:
Adam Sandler plays yet another lovable loser, saves world. The end.
Alright, fine. Adam Sandler plays yet another lovable loser, who played a lot arcade games with his mate (Kevin James) when he was a kid. He was so good, him and his mate went to an arcade games world championship event, where they met another guy (Josh Gad). Sandler ends in the finals but loses out to Peter Dinklage. The entire thing was filmed and the tape sent into outer space. Why? Stop asking questions, that’s why. Oh yeah, this 80s bit is played by kids but there are laws against child cruelty, which this film really should be qualified as, so I’ll withhold their names.
Cut to today. Adam Sandler’s driving around installing AV equipment and he’s best friends with the president of the United States (yup, Kevin James is the president, people). When a military base in Guam is attacked by what looks like electrified squares, it doesn’t take a couple of nerds (Sandler and Gad) very long to realise what’s up: obviously, an alien race found the tape, thought it was a declaration of war, and are now sending millions and billions of pixelated 80s arcade games’ characters to Earth. The human race gets three attempts to defeat their opponents; the game is on.
Holy fuck, it’s so boring. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like a good ‘dumb’ film. It can’t all be Boyhood and Birdman, and most of the stuff I watch is actually pretty dumb. But making a boring dumb film is unforgivable.
Sandler plays Sandler, and that’s what that is. He’s made, like, one mediocre comedy, back in the early 90s (you can pick your own favourite, but I’m going with Big Daddy) and perhaps one rom-com in the 2000s that’s worth watching (50 First Dates for me) and that’s it. And even that is pushing it. But you know what? That guy is laughing all way to the bank. Time and time again, his films are box office hits. Critics hate them, the audience can’t get enough of it and I’m not going to spend my precious time being angry that he’s allowed on the silver screen. Whatever, dude.
What I am going to spend my time on, however, is raising my eyebrow at everyone else appearing in this film. Michelle Monaghan (Sandler’s love interest (let’s face it, the colonel bit was just to give her screen time validation) and she played Woody Harrelson’s wife in True Detective. Not True Detective, season 1, just True Detective, because if we collectively pretend that season 2 never happened, who knows, maybe it didn’t! If a tree falls and all that), Kevin James (Anyone remember Hitch?), Josh Gad (I’ll be honest, I don’t really know who the fuck he is, and my desire to find out after this film is non-existent) and, yes, even my beloved Peter Dinklage (he was also in X-Men: Days of Future Past).
Shame.
On.
You.
All of you. I truly hope you got paid royally for this horse shit.
What’s wrong with Pixels? It’s much easier to tell you what’s not wrong. Here it is:
The Pac-Man scene doesn’t suck too badly.
The Donkey Kong bit isn’t terrible.
That’s it. The writing is APPALLING. There is not a single funny joke to be found in this film, and that says a lot when you consider the fact that they spend a lot of time building up to each battle with words. There’s way too much talking, and none of it is good. Josh Gad, playing the stereotypical nerd (virgin, in love with a game character, into conspiracy theories) is quite obviously supposed to be The Funny One simply by being, but he’s damn annoying if he’s anything. If that’s how Hollywood views nerds, god help us all. Nerds rule the world, baby, don’t make fun of us. King of Queens Kevin James is the PRESIDENT! That is impossible to take seriously. He’s not even that terrible in it, but president? No. And Peter Dinklage. Oh, Peter. They’ve made you say such stupid things, in such a terrible dialect. I weep for you. Michelle Monaghan, go back to dramas, you don’t belong in this world of intellectual babes that somehow fall in love with Adam Sandler. And the rest of you? Jane Krakowski, Brian Cox, Sean Bean? Stop yourselves, immediately. You are all better than this.
Yes, the battle scenes are fun. It’s 80s arcade games come to life, of course it’s awesome. Buildings being invaded by big Tetris blocks? Yes, please, and thank you. But I’ve gotta quote another critic here: ‘God knows who the big-budget Adam Sandler blockbuster Pixels is aimed at.’ Kids of the 80s? Well, I’m one of those, and I really wasn’t amused. Kids of today? Why would they care about Q*bert moonwalking when they’ve got Half-Life 2 and Grand Theft Auto? But maybe it is a kids’ film more than anything, cos there sure was a lot of children laughing when the word, ‘bullcrap’ was uttered. I remained silent.
Man, it was bad, don’t waste your precious money. For a better time, go watch paint dry.
1 A-Okay, I don’t even know what for.
4 A.M Decisions 